Do not be yoked together with unbelievers

This post is obviously not part of this block but I have to write it as I owe a friend of mine an explanation. Actually, I sort of owe everyone (or anyone, rather) who reads this blog an explanation for my break in following my preset theme, so here it is.

One fine day, while I was hanging out with some friends, they cracked a joke which I believed was in Japanese. When I asked for an explanation, I was told “You wouldn’t understand”. I took great offense at that.

I have the reputation of being the top student in my class, and arguably, the whole of Upper Six from the school I was in. So I get a lot of requests to help other people academically. I normally don’t turn people down, unless I have an urgent and important piece of work that needs doing and I don’t have a minute to spare. When I did have time to spare, I would help to the utmost limits of my capability. I would only tell a person “You wouldn’t understand,” if I personally did not understand a fact myself. This would normally be limited to only physics questions, as I did not take physics at STPM level.

I felt that the person I asked, a male ex-classmate of mine, owed me an explanation. If I understood something, I would explain it to him to the best of my ability, and here he is saying, I wouldn’t understand, when he understood it perfectly well. Just made my blood boil.

Well, you can’t have everything in life, so I will just take whatever comes my way. But I digress…

I was having a conversation over the phone with another ex-classmate of mine recently. To cut a long story short, she said that it was okay for non-Christians and Christians to be involved in a relationship. Her argument was that Jesus loved everyone.

I decided not to use full blown apologetics against her. Firstly, as we had been friends for quite some time, it would have been an excellent way of chasing her away from me. Most people I know get turned off when the conversation switches to religion, and I was afraid that if I switched to full blown apologetics, it would be a stumbling block in our relationship as friends. I wouldn’t mind using full blown apologetics against a family member, especially one who is the same generation as me, or against a complete stranger, as in the former, the relationship is fixed, while in the latter, there is no relationship to be wrecked. The bottomline? I didn’t want to mess up a friendship.

Secondly, was the fact that in a small part of my head, a voice was saying that, ”She won’t understand.”

If I am to live life as a person of principles, I must do what I feel is right, even when others don’t. It would thus be hypocrisy if I didn’t explain something I understood well when I expect others to do so.

So here goes.

There are two main reasons as to why Christians should not get into relationships with non-Christians. Before December last year, I had, very frankly, no qualms about getting into a relationship with a non-Christian girl, but after YLDP and the first three weeks of Jeremiah School, I now have serious reservations.

The first one is pretty clear: 2 Corinthians 6:14-18. Basically, do not be yoked together with unbelievers. This passage of Scripture is pretty clear about it. Sure, it may only mean marriage, but when BGRs are concerned, where is the end point, hopefully? Even if one says, “It’s okay, as long as you don’t go all the way”, how does one stop a relationship when all seems to be going right, except for the fact that they are religiously ‘incompatible’?

The second reason has its roots in this passage of Scripture: Matthew 19:4-6. Marriage is supposed to bring two people and make them one. This is so that the image of Triune God can be shown on Earth; two different people working as one, mirroring the image of the God the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit working as one. If a Christian and a non-Christian are married together, how will they be able to show the communion and the unity that God the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit share, especially when it comes to religion?

I know that most of these arguments are post-nuptial, rather than pre-nuptial, and as such, one might argue that these arguments should not hold for BGRs. However, as I said earlier, what is the ultimate endpoint of such a relationship?

However, the Bible is also very clear about those who are already involved in such a relationship. The only trouble is, what does one do when one has one foot into starting a relationship (note that the relationship hasn’t started yet) when one gets such information? To pull out, as one should, or to commit, when all it could cause is more pain, short or long term…talk about feelings…sigh…

“Be extraordinary”

I watch Grey’s Anatomy. Well, at least the show. I can’t watch a book, obviously. The phrase ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ is taken from a book written by one Doctor Gray, who described, in greater detail than those before him, the human body. So Gray’s Anatomy was a surgical textbook for many years (I am talking about the book, if you haven’t realized already).

Going back to what I watch, I have followed the show since the middle of season two. I would have followed it from the start of season two, except for the fact that it had a time slot which so happened to coincide with my dinner after I returned home from my grandma’s place every week, so I missed the first half of season two. But I have watched most of the episodes since then.

If you watch Grey’s Anatomy because of the guy’s or the girl’s physique, well, that’s your way of looking at the show. I personally enjoy the way the show uses the events in the days of the characters, and uses them to put forward a theme. Of course, I stay for the conflicts and the relationships which develop between the characters, but that’s mostly secondary.

Now time to get down to business.

The title character, Meredith Grey, is the daughter of a well-known surgeon, Dr. Ellis Grey, who was more devoted to her work than her family. She started cheating on her husband with another married doctor while she was at work, but the other doctor, eventually, told her that he had to go back to his wife.

Depressed, Ellis Grey attempted suicide. After she had slit her wrists, she told her daughter, Meredith Grey, to “Be extraordinary”. Meredith waited until her mother had passed out before she called the emergency services. To cut a long story short, her mother survived the ordeal, and died much later on in life, but ever since then, Meredith had always tried to live up to her mother’s request.

So Meredith became extraordinary in the only way she knew how; after living with a workaholic mother who was a surgeon for many years, she too became a surgeon, and did her best to be the best.

However, she always flirted with danger. While most people would run away from a person with a bomb, she went towards him/her. I don’t know what exactly transpired, as that was at the beginning of season 2…sigh….

Then, when she was pushed into the cold, frigid waters of a river in winter, instead of getting herself out when she surfaced, she allowed herself to sink back into the water.

So she ended up going for counseling towards the end of season 4, partly because of her suicidal behavior, partly because of her mother’s death. Through a long, dramatic, theatrical process (which makes for better drama than for reality), she had to finally come to terms with what happened when her mother attempted suicide and the effects it had on her.

The person counseling her was, of course, a psychiatrist. So she pointed out that Meredith had all the tools she needed to figure out her mother’s state of mind when her mother attempted to commit suicide. Both were surgeons, who were extremely devoted to their work, and had problems with holding a relationship.

So after some soul searching, she finally discovered a few facts; if her mother had wanted to die, she would have slashed the carotid artery rather than her wrists. So her mother didn’t really want to die; she only wanted to get her lover’s attention by attempting suicide. The psychiatrist then told her that she could learn from her mother’s mistakes.

Meredith then realized then when her mother told her to be ‘extraordinary’, it was not with respect to work, but rather, with respect to relationships. Her mother had failed in every way possible; she had a husband who left her and a lover who wanted to go back to his own wife. She wanted Meredith to be extraordinary with people and family, not just work.

When we hear something from people, we put it into context. This normally allows us to bring out the complete, whole and true meaning of what a person is saying. However, when the context we choose to put a person’s words in is wrong, we lose the meaning altogether.

Children look up to their parents for direction, wisdom and security. Thus, it is only natural for us to do what our parents do, or to see the wisdom of this world from our parents view. However, as we grow up, we see more of the world than we originally saw, and we might neglect to see the wisdom of this world in the light of the new perspective we obtain.

Meredith Grey put her mother’s words in the only context she knew: as a surgeon. Then, following in her mother’s footsteps, she became a surgeon and tried to be extraordinary, although she was missing out the entire point of her mother’s words.

When she finally realized what the words meant, she found the freedom to be free from her bad memories.

I believe it is the same for us too. When we are told something, wrap our minds around it, then go about life stumbling around because we have a mental block as to what it could mean, we find that something is missing. But when we find out what it actually means, then we find more meaning to it, and life in general, and liberated from what used to be a stumbling block for us to grow further.

Kevin and Anton

Kevin Phang Khein Khei is a friend of mine from SMK USJ 12. I believed, when I left school, that he would be the future Head Prefect. However, after I left, the USJ 12 Prefect Board has changed dramatically. I haven’t met any of the teachers who were responsible for the change since then. Okay, I‘m exaggerating, I probably did meet them when I collected my prize for my SPM performance, but I haven’t spoken to them since I was in Form 5.

The closest I got to speaking to one of them would be Puan Teng, who was invigilating the SPM examination at Seafield. I saw her on the day when I had Bio 2, but I chose not to talk to her as I needed to revise…sigh, why must, of all the ecology topics, it must be the ones I didn’t read which came out?

But I digress. Point is, I don’t know how much the Prefect Board has changed since then.

Wait a second…Let me hold that thought. I did speak to not one, but two of them in Lower Six…Puan Cheah and Puan Ong, but then again, the topic was not about the Prefect Board, it was about me doing Form 6. Nevertheless, I still don’t know what has become of the Board since I left.

I bumped into Kevin recently. If I’m not mistaken, it was New Year’s Eve. He himself has stopped caring about the Board, but then again, I guess if I had been passed over, pushed around and struck down, I would too.

To me, back then at least, Kevin would always be a schoolboy, still in SMK USJ 12, not yet having finished his PMR examination. And I would treat him as such. Just a kid, I would think.

Anton was the Head Prefect (Boys) for SMK Seafield for the 2007/2008 session. Whenever I interacted with him, I always treated him as an equal rather than as a person younger than me, even though I am a full year older than him and two years his senior. Somehow, as he would always be more Seafieldian than me, I always believed that he deserved to be treated a bit more maturely.

The catch is this. Both of them finished their SPM last year, and are the same age. However, I would have been inclined to treat them differently before December last year.

Part of the reason for this has to do with who I perceived they are. When I left USJ 12, Kevin was still in USJ 12, just past PMR. I guess a part of me still felt that he was still there and hadn’t progresses since then. Besides, as I haven’t had much contact with him since then, I haven’t been able to change my perception of him.

When I first met Anton, however, he was a Forth Former running for Head Prefect. So I always felt that he deserved to be treated in a more matured manner than Kevin, even though they were of equivalent age and seniority. You may say that I had a mental block with regards to Kevin’s development; I couldn’t get myself to believe that he could grow up.

Most of this mentality changed when I went for YLDP : 18-UP last year. I was interacting with people 18 and above, and most of them were college students. College students are, in general, more independent than their Form 6 counterparts. So I received a sort of mini culture shock that time. I had to change the way I interacted with people as these were adults, and the kind of topics they would choose were different compared to those a Fifth Former would choose.

Sixth Formers, on the other hand, who spent more time in school rather than in college, tend to choose topics more towards those a Fifth Former would choose. We maintain a certain kidlike mentality. Part of this is due to the fact that in Form 6, we are, to a certain extent, still treated like kids. So we don’t become like an adult as fast.

At 18-UP, I had to constantly remind myself that these weren’t kids I was dealing with; these were adults. So after finally adjusting my thought processes, I am finally able to overcome my mental block with Kevin. When I did speak with him on New Year’s Eve, I tried to keep it as adult as possible.

Now, however, I am feeling the need to do the complete opposite. Most of the people I will interact with over the next month and during the past month are SPM leavers, and as such, they still behave like small kids. I now have problems going back to a level where I may interact with small kids, and I constantly amuse myself over their worries: SPM, college, etc…mainly because I have been through the fire and I’m fine.

Interactions with people is a complex business. When we get too old for them, we sound like dinosaurs, or just laugh at their seemingly “petty” worries. When we find that we are behaving too childishly for our audience, we are normally able to grow up, at an astonishing rate, as we catch up on what we have missed out while we were away, or doing Form 6. However, it’s going back down a level, which is harder to do.

Sometimes, as elders, we often forget that we were young once, and, as such, have lost touch with the more youthful side of ourselves. Young people cannot be guilty of not knowing how it feels to be older, but elders are guilty, to a certain extent, if they forget what it feels like to be young. I guess it’s easy to write about, but it’s harder to do. As the age gap between me and the people I will have to interact with is, thankfully, small, so too will the generational gap. It just feels a bit weird, after having to adapt to a more adult-like situation at a youth camp, to throw all that away for a more youth-like situation at a school…but then again, I chose to go post-STPM, so I guess I have no one else to blame.

At least now I will learn to be more flexible when I talk to people not my age group...