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If you’re from a higher education institution where PMS stands for Partner Medical School instead of pre-menstrual syndrome, MMS stands for Medical Museum Sessions instead of Multimedia Messaging Service, LT stands for Lecture Theater instead of Lieutenant and ME is the standard prefix for the ID number of the majority of the students, than I first of all have to congratulate you. You have finally uncovered my closet blog, which wasn’t that hard to uncover in the first place.

It also means that I really need to create a real closet blog, so I can do all my… ermmm….. closet blogging there.

Jokes aside, yes, I know. The blog has been collecting dust for a total of twelve months now. I needed some time to write, and of course, some fodder to write about. Of course, after an entire year of leave, some of my best work is finally ready, and I present to you my compilation of posts from over an entire year.

I have to admit, they are not in chronological order, so try not to scratch your head too hard if you don’t understand the logic behind my posts, or rather the logic behind the order of my posts. Also, if I don’t sound coherent, leave behind a comment.

I’ll try to get back to you sometime this year.

Here comes the longest series of posts…

Giving

The season for giving has just finished. Or rather the commercial world wants you to think that. Christmas is, in one way, the season for giving, but that’s for another post. While most of us might only give presents to one another during Christmas (and obviously, during birthdays), whenever we have social interactions, we are giving, in one way or another.

We give our opinions to others, whether solicited or otherwise, when we interact socially. We give advice, views, directions, hints, encouragement, information and other assorted information when we interact.

However, when we interact, we interact not only through our words, but also through our actions. Body language, face gestures, hand movements and even eye movements also signal our pleasure or displeasure. But let’s not get too caught up with direct, verbal communication and its associated actions.

I’m talking about communication via actions. There is an old saying, going something like “actions speak louder than words”. Well, tell that to anyone who has to pass a message without saying a word.

When university students get together and are bored, i.e. when they are at a Christian Fellowship meeting, they come up with all sorts of games. One game in particular, which was apparently a hit during the CF camp last year, was one involving passing messages from one person to another without saying a single word.

Some of you have probably played it before. However, for those of you who are unenlightened, I’ll enlighten you now. The person at the head of a row is given a message which he or she is to pass down to the next person. The catch is he (or she) can’t use words.

The poor soul must act out the message for the next person to copy and pass on. While the message passing is taking place, everyone else who is not involved has to turn and look in the opposite direction.

At the end of the row, the person must guess the initial content of the message.

Needless to say, this is a lot harder than the traditional version of passing the message. While in the traditional version, all one has to do is listen and talk, in this version, one has to watch another act out the message, interpret it correctly, and act out the message to another.

Kind of a hard message to give another person, don’t you think so?

As if that isn’t hard enough, some people (Girls, actually. No, I’m not being sexist. I’m just saying that there’s no cross dressing) wear clothing which does not help them, particularly in this case. It is not that the clothing is indecent, it’s just that the clothing hinders their ability to perform maximally in this case.

I’ll highlight one example for explanation.

One fine day, the CF saw it fit to play this game, as a penalty for people who were at the wrong place at the wrong time. After one round (and after everyone else having a good laugh at their attics), a call went out to the crowd to volunteer for the game.
As you might expect, yours truly did not volunteer for the game, for had no intention of being so publicly and voluntarily laughed at. The time will come (indeed, the time has already come), but as for that time, I had no intention of making a fool of myself.

So the group of volunteers assembled together. After the first person was given a message, it was passed on to the next person, and the one after that.

Then it hit a snag.

As she was wearing a skirt, it wasn’t exactly easy for her to mimic the actions of the two people in front of her in the line. So she performed a few extra actions to get the action right.

At which point the whole message was lost in translation, and everyone (including those who had already acted out, excluding those who had yet to act out), was laughing their heads off.

After the message was given to the last person, and a hint given to him (Movie), he proceeded to give a guess way off tangent. Then the initial act was shown, at which point the whole CF understood immediately what all the machine-like movement was all about.

Moral of the story: If you‘re a girl, never wear a skirt to CF. You might be asked to do certain things or give certain bits of information, and wearing a skirt is at the very least, a hindrance; at most, an epic disadvantage.

If you’re a guy, you better not wear a skirt if you plan to go to CF. Otherwise, the whole CF will start praying for you earnestly when you walk in.

Seriously though, the focus is not on what you wear to CF (though I am serious about the guy part). Just before the volunteers started their “tour of duty”, a number of senior changed their positions from the back of the room to the middle of the room.

As they went by, I could hear them say what they wanted to do, or rather, see.

“I don’t want to act. I only want to laugh.”

While it is natural that all of us want to have a good laugh at someone, this got me thinking. While all of us want a good laugh, what about the poor sods who have to go out and give us something to laugh at? They, too, need a good laugh.

Just as they give us a good laugh, we too need to return the favour, specifically, there are probably times when we should go out, volunteer for a stupid stunt and spread the laughter around.

Not everyone enjoys being comic relief for the whole group. Some people enjoy being the “life” of the party, and are just sporting that way. Others, don’t mind being laughed at, and just laugh along. Still other, however, might not mind being the target for long, but it doesn’t come naturally to them, and they need a good laugh from someone else

I think it is unfair that the same people do all the laughing, and that another group of people do all the laughing at. While it would reflect poorly on everyone if a schedule was drawn up for who to be laughed at and when, it should occur to everyone that there will come a time when one would need to go up and do something funny, for the needs of the many.

Besides, we’re all going to be laughed at in a more serious environment (the workplace) soon. If we’re going to learn to take it in stride, what better place than where we give others laughter freely?

After all, “actions speak louder than words”. And giving is always “better” than receiving. If we learn to take it in stride, what better place than where we give others laughter freely?

After all, “actions speak louder than words”. And giving is always “better” than receiving. If we learn to spread humour around, we might learn to receive it better too.

Blood Giving

Every semester in the IMU, a blood donation is conducted. For those who are able, it is not at the optimum frequency; as blood can be donated once every three months, one would have to “source” for a blood donation drive to join in between donations at IMU.

That being said, most people would take up the option to donate blood if given a chance.

I know I would.

For the longest time, I had wanted to donate blood. However, we can’t give away pieces of our body until we are legally able to do so. As only majors can do so, different legislative jurisdictions have different regulations on the giving away of bits and pieces of your body.

In Malaysia, for example, one is only eligible to donate blood after the age of 17, not inclusive of 17 years of age. Other legislative jurisdictions have different age limits. Some limit it to those above 16, others to those who have been given permission by their legal guardians for those 16 years of age with various restrictions in different countries.

So when the blood donation campaign came to IMU, I wanted to donate my blood. Everyone around me was talking about donating blood, about how many times they’ve donated or about how this would be their first time donating. But I knew better.

The last I heard, most of my family can’t donate blood. I found that for the lamest of lame reasons (which I will not go into here), I couldn’t do so.

But just to be sure, I checked out the blood bank’s website for their guidelines. And to my utter “amazement”, the guidelines for our Malaysian blood bank were hard to find.

So I decided to go round to other blood banks and see what their regulations were like. After going through most of the developed world, I came to the conclusion that the only countries that would want my blood are countries I would not likely visit, or countries which had endemic problems, and similar concerns.

Then I decided to go back to the Malaysian blood bank website. If I’m going to make a case to not donate my blood, it better be solid. Otherwise, certain people (especially those who donate blood) will be breathing down my neck in an attempt to get me to donate my blood.

So I combed the website thoroughly this time round. And after a brief search, I found the guidelines for donating blood.

This time, however, I found exactly what I was (or was not) looking for.

Excellent. I am now legally obliged to not donate blood.

Which left me swearing up, down, left, right and centre.

Blood consists of a variety of substances. Apart from red and white blood cells, as well as platelets, blood also has plasma. In the plasma, there is water, nutrients, waste products and building blocks for the body. One of the major building blocks for the body is protein.

After the vCJD scare in the UK in the 1990s, there was a blanket ban on people who had lived in the UK from donating blood. However, a few years after the scares subsided, the bans were revoked, for most people who would have been affected would have already had developed the disease. Recently, however, a number of people who received blood transfusions from people who had vCJD developed the disease and subsequently died.

vCJD is caused by abnormally folded proteins in the brain. As there are proteins in the blood, it would not be impossible for these proteins in the brain to be transmitted from person to person via blood. While transmission is possible, penetration is not; not everyone who received a blood transfusion from someone who eventually developed vCJD eventually developed vCJD, but the risk is still there.

Nevertheless, to prevent the general public from being exposed to vCJD, most blood banks now bar people who might have the slightest inkling of developing vCJD from donating.

Including your truly.

To be sure, I took a look at the form which was distributed to potential blood donors before they donated blood, and right at the back, there was a declaration one had to make. Looks like they really are serious. While other countries are more interested in whether you are healthy or not, we are more serious about a degenerative brain disease.

That was the final nail in the coffin.

In any case, I can’t donate blood. I’m not too sure whether I can donate my organs, either. As there is no effective treatment for vCJD and no definitive test for vCJD, it would probably be this way for the rest of my lifespan.

Despite the many proclamations about blood donation, and about it being the gift of life, many still refuse to donate blood. Only one guy from the people I was oriented with donated blood; the rest were girls. Sure, some of the guys had airtight reasons for not doing so; three of us are legally obliged to not donate blood, while one had a basketball match the next day.

But there were still two more guys who could, and refused, for goodness knows what reason.

The complete irony is this. Of those who are able to donate blood, no one wishes to donate blood for lame reasons; fear being the primary one. I mean, “The girls are donating blood you chickens!!” (other words I would normally use are inappropriate to be displayed here). Do you think you’re the only one who is scared?! At least you have a choice about whether you want to donate your blood or not!?

The second half (which is even more ironical) is that of those who can’t donate blood, all would have been more than willing to part with half a litre of intravascular fluid. Nevertheless, they couldn’t.

With all that’s said and done, if you are eligible to donate blood, I would encourage you to donate blood. The blood bank is perpetually short of blood, and not everyone can donate (including yours truly).

If you can’t and you do, I would like to know how you pulled that off, though I would also like to know whether you put someone else at risk for doing something virtuous.

If you can and you do, keep it up! At least you’re doing something.

If you can’t and you won’t, then start hounding your friends who can. I don’t know any good methods, but I;m going to come up with some ideas over the holidyas.

If you can but you don’t… I’ll be after your blood.

*Laughs evilly*

Shoot

Good shots are hard to come by.

It takes a lot to be a good sniper. To get a good shot, one needs to make sure that one takes a position where one’s target will be passing by, in such a position that one would be able to take a good shot off the person in question.

And then there’s the fact that one has to understand the limitations of one’s armory. One has to understand the tendencies of one’s equipment, and how to overcome setbacks in the environment by adjusting one’s equipment appropriately. Knowing one’s target is important, but knowing one’s self is even more important.

Especially when taking photos.

Yes, people, I’m talking about taking photos, candid ones to be precise, and I am not talking about those pesky people who shoot at you from some obscure corner of the map which you will never look at (in simple English, they are called snipers).

Photos are used to capture memories. Some of us can remember exactly every sensation going through our body when we recall a certain day, but for those of us who are not blessed with such great self awareness, photos help us recall days gone by.

As such, when one takes photos, one has to consider why one is taking those photos: is it to remind oneself of where one has been or what one was done?

If it is the former, posing is ok; you’re only reminding yourself you have been somewhere and done something before. If it is the latter, then I personally find candid photos more suitable.

Then again, one may ask, why candid photos? They are proof of us in awkward positions, which we have no desire of letting others know…

Well, that’s where I take a different stance. Anyone can take a photo which has been posed for. However, it is photos which have been taken while one is unprepared for, photos of one in more natural positions, achieved by either hiding the camera or by deceiving the target, which generate photos which have some value, other than the obvious.

Candid photos can capture a lot; the gravity of a situation, the surprised look one has on one’s face, the things one did (or does) in class (or at work), amongst other things. By nature, candid photos mean that the target does not know that he or she is not being shot at.

However, people sometimes react a bit foolishly in front of a camera. When they suddenly find themselves facing a camera, they take drastic measures to cover their face.

Often, this has hilarious results.

The problem is not putting people in this position. I have found many a classmate who was all too willing to put herself (generally) in a compromising position. The problem is remembering to push the shutter once I have the target between my sights.

During orientation, I was talking to one of my friends, who had already sat down. As I pretended to be unable to hear her, she bent over backwards and started talking to me. I then pulled out my camera to shoot her while she was doing this.

Almost reflexively, she pulled out her handphone pouch and covered her mouth, at the same time closing her eyes. I pushed the shutter halfway, let it autofocus, then thought about whether I should press the shutter or not. In the end, I didn’t depress the shutter completely.

I should have pressed the shutter completely that day.

Well, this whether is a candid photo or not, is not really up to me. In my opinion, it is. Some may say it is not; she reacted towards the presence of the camera. To me, it is; her reaction was natural, uncoordinated, but most important of all, spontaneous.

However, it is remembering, and differentiating those actions which can be troublesome. In the split second one has to shoot, one has to consider whether the shot taken is worth the memory on the card, as well as the drain it has on the battery.

When one wants to take candid photos exclusively, this becomes troublesome as one has to figure out whether their reaction to the camera is spontaneous or not. Planned reactions make the “candid” photo as good as a photo in which everyone poses. Spontaneous reactions make for very good, though intriguing candid photos.

Looking back, I keep thinking of what could be had I pulled the shutter that day. One more photo of her, in a position rarely thought of or seen…

Well, there is more to candid photos than awkward positions. While there might not be much worth in the boring look on someone’s face, sometimes, when one goes through one’s catch for the day, some photos can be pretty interesting, even shots of people doing the most mundane of mundane things.

Shooting candid photos is also an art. While most of my shots are just taken randomly, there are times when I actively look out an opportunity to take a good shot of someone doing something incriminating.

Such as sleeping in class.

These are about as candid as they get. They don’t know that a shot of them is being taken, and the position they choose is not voluntarily chosen. Sure, it might be comfortable, but the contorted look on one’s face as one sleeps can be so amusing when taken in the right light.

Looking back, there were so many instances where I feel like saying, “Shoot, I should have taken a shot of that.” But time, opportunity and shots go by, never again to come.

I guess I have to make do with what I already have.

Hiding In Plain Sight

Of all the human senses we have, it is sight which we probably find the most useful. Sure, a sense of balance helps us keep our heads above our feet, a sense of taste helps us figure out what tastes good and what does not, a sense of smell helps our sense of taste along, a sense of touch helps us be in touch with our surroundings, and a sense of hearing allows us to enjoy music, apart from listening for anomalies.

However, seeing someone or something is one thing. Using one’s sensory input to come up with some output, usually carried out by our muscles, to solve a problem is a completely different thing altogether.

It is a completely amazing phenomenon. People in the top 1.55 percentiles of the country (among those who are eligible for entrance into public universities, that is) are unable to put two and two together, despite potential solutions to their problems staring them in the face, or rather, in this case, sitting with them at the same table. They see, but don’t look, or rather, don’t want to look. Or maybe it’s just they don’t see.

In the movie “The Sixth Sense”, the boy who is able to ghosts says that ghosts only see what they want to see. Maybe that is not only true of the ghosts in the movie, but also true of humanity in general. People only see what they want to see. They don’t look beneath, or look beyond the skin. Sometimes, it is absolutely exasperating; their potential solutions might be sitting right next to them, but they either refuse to see them, or they just refuse to acknowledge them as potential solutions.

Beggars can’t be choosers. As Spock of Star Trek has said more than once (in different universes, but that’s another story) “When everything else has been excluded, then whatever impossible, no matter how impossible, becomes possible”. When we run out of options, any option which we have should be exercised. This is what I call pulling out all the stops; we go all out to solve a particular problem. We consider any and all possibilities for the problem and also any and all solutions to the problem.

So I find it bizarre that there are still people who refuse to try every single solution when it comes to solving their problems, even when they are desperate. How hard is it to try every single solution? If you don’t succeed, you would have lost nothing; if you do succeed, you get to solve your problem.

No wonder our graduates aren’t the best in the world. Even at Pre-U level, their judgment, or rather problem solving skills leave much to be desired.

Malaysians are excellent complainers, but we never really take a look at ourselves in the mirror. We accuse each other of racism, yet do nothing to curb this problem among our families, or even ourselves. Racism is just one way of discriminating. No wonder as we get older, we get more and more judgmental; brought up in a society which lives together but yet is not united, we discriminate. So when we choose who to invite for social activities and who not to, we discriminate some more.

When we decide who to invite for a particular event, we sometimes have to choose who we want. Some events are meant to be attended by everyone in a particular social grouping; others are not. For the former, we invite indiscriminately, for the latter we choose who we want. Sometimes, it is perfectly understandable when we don’t get chosen for the other; lack of space, different social grouping considered, etc. However, when there is a lack of participants, and one is looking for people in the wider social group, one should consider everyone.

Not many people in Malaysia volunteer to do anything; answering questions, taking up positions, giving opinions. The list goes on, but the principle is the same – if you want someone to do something, or join you on an adventure, you have to invite them, or at the very least, give an open invitation. We don’t gatecrash, or volunteer our presence for anything at all. If we are not asked, we won’t move forward. Why? Due to the fact that we are trying to avoid a paiseh situation. More than that, most people who organize these gatherings only expect to see the people they invite present. Turning up uninvited is frowned upon, and no one likes to be in such a position.

Sometimes, our solutions play a game with us. They hide when we need them most. It’s the important document we have somehow misplaced, which we can’t see, but we know is somewhere in the vicinity. We need to get it fast, and we look again and again, but we still can’t find it.

When we are searching for it, we swear as heavily as possible, desperately finding it while the clock ticks away on us. It is so near, yet so far.

However, many a time our solutions are hiding in plain sight. It’s the method we don’t consider, but which we do know of that will solve our mathematical conundrum (normally this method is completing the square). It’s the place we forget to look, or take for granted is empty, where we will find our misplaced yet important documents.

They are right there, but we just don’t look at them, or consider the possibility they are there, even when all else is lost.

And when we find it, we take time to bask in our success of finding the item, and spend more time making sure the item won’t get lost again, even when we have a dozen other things to do, and regardless of how heavily we swore at our negligence or the item’s tendency to get lost.

But most importantly, it’s the people we forget to ask, yet who are sitting right next to us, eating at the same table with us, discussing where to go to university next, who will be the ones who we would able to drag to a social gathering.

Did I say “would”? Actually , it’s more like “could”, as most of the time, we are a tad too late by the time we realize it. People move on, finding groups who actually care about them, or who treat everyone equally (to a certain extant). People drift away. Relationships weaken, bonds weaken. Time and distance do what no problem can.

So the next time you have to consider another solution, look at the periphery. Expand your horizons. Look towards the sky, as who knows? Your solution could be found on another horizon.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re looking for solutions, things or people. Some are just waiting to be asked, or chosen.

So use your eyes. And your head. And don’t just see.

Analyze. Compute. Think.

Because,” They are right there, but we just don’t look at them, or consider the possibility they are there, even when all else is lost.”

Susah

Would you volunteer information needlessly, even if your group can benefit from it?

Well, I had this question in my mind for a split second during my second day in the IMU, and during my first day of official orientation.

Every group needs a leader, and depending on who you talk to, there are either born leaders or everyone is a leader. But when a group of people, who share nothing in common except for the fact that they are thrown together into a group simply because they are doing the same course, who on earth is going to take the lead?

There are many reasons why potential, optimal or aspiring leaders don’t take the lead in these positions (I’m not saying I am any of the three). First is the fact that we don’t want to “reign supreme” over all our new found acquaintances, then of course there’s the fact that we want to know who has a preference for who, then there’ s the fact that we know that if we lead, and screw it up, we would get an earful from everyone who we are (and possibly, were) leading.

So a more arbitrary method is chosen to choose leaders. Well, what better way to choose a leader than to choose someone who has already led. So my Chief OO (Chief Orientation Officer, basically, senior in charge of orientating my group) asked, ”Who was a prefect in high school?”

One of my Orientation Group (OG) members stood up and admitted he was indeed a prefect.

I couldn’t have asked for a better leader. Yes, on the first day he was a bit kayu; but then again, wouldn’t any of us be? Once everyone warms up to each other, gets to know everyone better and the like, leading becomes more natural, less authoritarian, more democratic. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to lead us through orientation.

To this day, he’s been the leader, boss in a way. As people and dynamics change, the balance of power may change; so far it has not. While he doesn’t essentially lead, he does coordinate the activities the rest of the group participates in.

Okay, so maybe I shouldn’t have lied during orientation (lying or not telling the whole story are two different things, but I’ll just call it what it is here) though I do have my reasons; the guy who eventually did become the leader was everyone one could ask for; charismatic, sporting, able to get along with the seniors, down to earth, not your bound by rules kind of guy. Then of course was the fact that I wasn’t a prefect while I was in high school; I was a prefect in secondary school, yes, but when I hit Form 6 I didn’t rejoin any Prefect Board. High school in the US usually refers to the period of time before you leave school, so…

So I stood aside, when it counted, and I doubt any better result could have come out by me not standing aside. At least standing aside in this situation was easy. It required completely no action on my part, and as I was under no obligation to do so, this is easy.

Learning to speak at the right time is also hard. If you’re reading this, you probably know me well enough to know that I don’t go around talking to every Tom, Dick and Harry without sufficient reason. Even then, frequent social interaction has turned me from an introvert to a forced extrovert, but when I find myself like a fish out of water, I revert to an introvert.

The only problem with talking when it doesn’t come naturally is that I talk too much, or that sometimes, I say the wrong things at the wrong time. I kinda shoot my mouth off too fast, too frequently.

Firstly there are times when I have to say something about someone and I find myself at a loss of words to say. Then, of course, as the situation dictates that I say something, I say whatever comes to mind.

And it usually is not the best thought out answer. Such is the joy of answering questions when one is under pressure during orientation.

Then of course, there are the times when I jump in when I shouldn’t be. Sometimes people ask for information regarding a situation; one which I am not in neither have I been through. However, I have been told what the situation was like by someone who was in the situation (for the purposes of this article, I’ll call him the content expert). So when one asks for information on the situation, I’ll naturally volunteer information, instead of letting the “content expert” give the information instead.

So, contrary to common belief, shutting up can be and is an essential ability. We not only need to learn when to talk, how to talk and what to say, but we also need to learn when to shut up. I guess it does not mean that we have to be talking all the time; we need to understand that there are certain situations when talking is unnecessary, and when keeping silent would enable someone to gain the appropriate amount of information from the correct source, and at the same time giving said source the appropriate amount of recognition.

Well, in these cases, shutting up and standing aside is an option we always retain the right to exercise. With practice, meaning more social interaction, we tend to get the times right; we tend to learn when to keep quiet and when to speak up.

So what is so hard, one may ask? Read on…

It is one thing to keep quiet and watch when we have the option to. When it is just a matter of ensuring that the right people get chosen to do the right thing, or that the right people get the right amount (as well as quality) of information from someone, yes, keeping quiet and watching is easy to do.

It is not so easy to do when one’s body is telling, urging, pestering one to do otherwise.

As humans, we have been given certain… urges… in lieu of words less pleasant to the human ears (or rather, to human eyes). At the age when humans in general are able to reproduce the best, they see things about people in the other gender. In this day and age, it is more than just body structure and smell. There is also personality, intelligence, values, and to some, spirituality.

Suffice to say, most (not all, unfortunately) men fall for women. Including yours truly.

So what do you do when you see everything you want to see in a member of the opposite sex (in this occasion, a girl, to avoid any possible confusion), who just so happens to be someone you know, who shares similar values, interests…

Absolutely nothing.

There are many reasons for me to not pursue a relationship. I could probably give a whole wall of text on how it won’t work out, from personalities, to distance, to faith, to overzealous seniors... The list could go on and on.

But telling myself it won’t work out is the easy part. Functioning as a normal student/just a friend to one who I definitely have feelings for is another story altogether.

It is hard to shut up when I see her every day. Sitting together in awkward silence is the worst thing one can do while in between lectures, especially with so many people around me. Not to say that talking is a necessity, but then it still beats just sitting and doing nothing.

So not small talking isn’t easy; it’s one thing to refuse to (or rather, in this case, to refrain from) small talk, maybe due to the lack of similarities; it’s completely different one to refuse to answer questions altogether. One might even say it is rude. Ignoring others when they are asking a question is hard enough already. Try ignoring one who you have feelings for, who you feel just as obliged to help as the every other person you see in lecture every day. No, it’s actually you feel more obligated than normal. But then again, that’s just my hormones speaking.

Of course, there is more than just lectures to an IMU medical students life. There’s MOFA, OLIS, MMS, PBL and PBL research for starters. Then, of course there is hanging out; from hanging out in the library to the cafeteria, to hanging out in the PBL rooms, to hanging out at the end of the day for dinner and stuff like that.

It goes without saying that should one go out, one is expected to talk. I stayed quiet once, not out of choice or because I was experimenting, but because I was feeling embarrassed (more on that some other time). So if one goes out with a group of friends, one is expected to talk. At least a bit.

That’s when I go out with my OG. I haven’t even started when I go for CF, or other activities.

I hope that I have established without reasonable doubt that shutting up is not easy, or, at this point, feasible. There is, of course, standing aside to consider. However, when one openly admits to not studying, not paying attention, not doing revision, not reading ahead and then sits with people who he or she does not wish to talk with, one is looking for trouble.

Wait. I got one part wrong. I don’t go looking for a chance to sit next to her. Normally she decides to sit next to me. Great…

Ok, she doesn’t always choose to sit next to me; sometimes, the inverse does happen. When I’m very late, and the area which I normally prefer (and somehow, coincidentally, she does) to sit at is taken up I have sat next to her (There was a space! What do you want me to do? Sit next to some random guy?) or I prefer to sit elsewhere. And then there was the time I chose to sit next to her for the second lecture…

But then again, it is a natural reaction for any of us. We sit next to people whom we know, and we feel comfortable with, taking into account other factors, such as position relative to the screen, and power sockets, and also, occasionally, proximity to the fire exits. It’s just that reason that makes it hard for me to stand aside completely; if you’re sitting in an area which the other person likes sitting as well, he or she is bound to sit next to you.

Of course, there is more than one way to stand aside. I could choose instead to refrain from joining activities she is involved in, but why on earth should I stand aside when we have a common interest, or a common calling? Well, there aren’t too many similarities at the moment, but with both of us (Only. From our OG, that is. Sigh….) going to CF, that makes standing aside virtually impossible. Not to mention the days when I go out to jog.

Sigh… if only if life were less complicated…

Well, I guess shutting up and/or standing aside will never be easy. That’s why:

Shut
Up and
Stand
Aside,
Han

I hope you can see my point now.

And even though I want to, I find it hard to do. Yeah, I’ve been told by some of my seniors, some other guy is after her (one of my OOs, unfortunately). I’m doing all I can to make sure he gets his best shot. The only thing I can’t do is kill off these feelings for her. Seriously, how does one expect a guy to kill off his feelings for a girl? It’s not like I wanted to fall for her, or was chasing her in the first place. It’s just some random thing…

Which is now so hard to kill off completely…

Not At Stake

“Relax. Your salvation is not at stake.”

- Uncle Herbert, JS 2009.

If you know who I am talking about, then it is time you reflect about what God has said through him, and maybe also about what you have been doing with your life, money and time recently. If you don’t, then just read on. I’m just quoting from my mentor in JS ’09. I’ll show how this quote is relevant later.

In JS, we have got quizzes at the end of every week. Early on in JS, Uncle Herbert told me that the quizzes were just used as methods to see how much we’ve learnt, how the syllabus is working, and how effective the sessions were at teaching us what we are supposed to learn at JS. They were not a means by which any one of us would be more or less favoured, nor would getting less than half the marks in any one test mean that we would be asked to withdraw from JS. Basically, instead of using a feedback form, JS uses a “test”.

On another occasion, I was talking with my MYF VP (in English, that’s the vice president of my church’s youth fellowship). As he is also a Senior (secondary school level) Sunday School Teacher, I had a chat with him about the syllabus for Fifth and Forth Formers at Senior Sunday School.

As Methodists, we make sure that all members of the church (at their reception into membership, at least) know certain things, such as the attributes of God, the behavior expected of a church member, and the knowledge of Methodism. In the “open” classes, we are expected to read the text for us before going for the class, when we are supposed to ask questions so that we may clear up any doubts regarding our faith before we get baptized or reaffirm our vows.

In the Senior Sunday School classes, however, we aren’t expected to do all that. We are taught what we are supposed to know via a class, and then we have discussions to get our brains working. Thus, there is no way of actually knowing whether students of the Sunday School know what they are doing when they get confirmed or baptized. Apparently, one of the suggestions put forward was that students should get tested on their knowledge before they were allowed to gain membership.

But then again, what does a test test? Sure, it can be a means to differentiate those who know what Christianity and Methodism are all about and those who do not, but it cannot be used to find out whether the examinee has faith in God or not. Anyone can memorise a whole book or two without believing in the content matter, and people with genuine faith could be cut out from the church just because they can’t remember some lines. Is this a true reflection of what the church should be, when the Discipline clearly states that membership should be granted to all who love Jesus Christ, seek to repent their sins and save themselves from the wrath to come?

Needless to say, that idea didn’t go through either. Even if that idea did go through, I would tell anyone who failed the “test” that their salvation was not at stake; faith and head knowledge aren’t the same thing.

Well, it is one thing to say that if you fail a test you could end up in…. umm…. eternal punishment, for need of a better word. This brings me to the most recent incident where salvation has been tied to some activity or other.

Orientation in IMU is tiring. Well, not as tiring (or dirty) as it should be (har har har). But then again, that is for someone else to decide. As for me myself, it has been tiring. Dirty, definitely, but there’s been no mud, and apparently, there won’t be any. So much for bringing all my “clothes for destruction”… sigh…

Coming back to the point, orientation isn’t all fun (in a very perverted way, I have to point out) and games. There’s also a fair bit of presentations involved too. This year, we had it easy; one skit and one video. Well, as part of the video is a music video, and for some odd reason, my group decided to choose the Michael Jackson song “Thriller”, my group ended up practicing the dance moves for the video until our legs (as well as other assorted body parts) fell off, until one late Saturday evening. If you’re wondering, that includes yours truly, and if you’re still thinking, no, I’m not going to put a video of that up here. If it’s videos or it didn’t happen, then it didn’t happen. Seriously.

Halfway through our practice, one of the girls had to leave for church. OK, church on Saturday is one thing; I can go on writing for half of the time period known as forever on why church should be on Sunday rather than Saturday, but that’s beside the point. Rather, it was what one of my batchmates told me after I looked at her inquiringly:

“But she hasn’t gone to church for a long time.”

The first thought that came to my mind was the same one I had been exposed to during JS. Specifically, my mentor’s words, which for easy reference are at the top of this post.

I wanted to say something, but how do you tell a non-Christian it is ok for a Christian (a devoted one, while we’re at that) to not go to church? I just smiled… and made a mental note to do the talking myself.

You see, a Christian’s life is not about how much one goes to church, how much one prays, how many camps one has gone to, how many times one has read the Bible, how many people one has led to God, how many people one leads in their walk with God or anything about that.

Yes, praying, mentoring, evangelizing, reading the Bible, going to church and camps are all good things. However, one fact remains: these things don’t get us to heaven. Only Jesus can, or rather, only Jesus did.

I’m not saying it is ok to skip church. I’m saying it is not about church, it’s about Him.

As it always has been.

Don't so emo can ah?

metimes, I wish we were all Vulcans. No emotions to worry about, or rather, we learn to control our emotions totally, so that we don’t get so caught up in our emotions such that we end up in a mess. This would have been especially useful during the STPM period last year, for a variety of reasons. There’s of course, exam anxiety and stress…and then there’s some more.

However, as is my blog policy (har har har) I realize that this is a public place and as such, the other reasons for me wanting to be a Vulcan won’t be posted here in public. I have shared it with four people so far, though the number was supposed to be twenty seven, but due to cold feet, it’s only four. Like I said, it’s not for public display, and no matter how tempted I am to publish it, I won’t. That and the fact that I have been informed that people’s perception of me would be radically changed if they found out. Whether that’s for the better or the worse, it doesn’t really matter; it’s not coming out.

But I digress…

Emotions are our mind’s data panel, or dashboard if you will. It lets us know when something is right, or more importantly, wrong. But that is about all it can give us; extra information for us to make a decision. However, our emotions are sometimes gives us the wrong signals. This does not mean they are wrong, it simply means that the emotions we are feeling may not give us the right information to help us decide the right course of action.

Sure, our emotions can sometimes cause us to make bad decisions or cloud our judgment but that doesn’t mean we should ignore them altogether. Rage can cause us to indulge in destructive behavior, jealousy in ultrapossessive behavior and extreme euphoria can cause us to do stupid things. Emotions may cause us to let our guard down, lull us into a false sense of security, or give us the impulse to make decisions which we may regret later.

However, emotions let us know when something is wrong as well. We get suspicious around fishy characters, feel righteous anger when we see injustice and feel pity for people in need. When these emotions kick in, we use all the information we have on hand to make the correct decision to correct the imbalance in our emotions, with our emotions playing a role as well. On top of that, we do this to ease our conscience.

The trick here is not letting our decisions do the talking, but instead to let them in only so far as to guide our next move, and not more than that. Of course, talking about mastering emotions is one thing; actually doing it is another.

What makes it harder, for males at least, is that we grow older later, as well as the fact that we have higher hormonal secretions. As males enter puberty later, we mature later, both physically and mentally. While associated hormonal secretions are probably the same for males and females, males get theirs at the worst possible time.

Before the mind has fully matured, but while the body is maturing, in the presence of peers edging one on, it comes. Yes people, its testosterone, as well as epinephrine.

Of course, that’s when they are edging you on and you’re about to do something brave, stupid or foolish; or maybe a combination of all three.

When one is down, however, one finds one’s world crashing in on oneself. We feel that we have been betrayed, when others might only see it as a minor oversight. We feel that we deserve better, when others feel that we have been given too much. We feel that we have the right to claim something from them, while they feel that they owe us nothing.

And when we are down, we experience this emotion, which in Malaysia is simply called ‘emo”. I guess the full word would be emotional, but then again, I didn’t coin the term up.

A friend of mine is of the opinion that “emo is just an excuse for a guy to act as a girl”. Well, if girls can do what guys can, namely, be boss of an office, breadwinner for a family, or get ragged during orientation, than why can’t guys do what girls do? Okay, let’s not get all biological about this, but let’s face it; all people have emotions. It doesn’t matter whether we are male or female. We all have emotions. We all get emo. At least, sometimes we do.

So when all is said and done, we still need to master our emotions. Most of the time, we recite to ourselves one-liners and other assorted lines which we memorize so that when the situation arises, we are able to get ourselves under control. This works, most of the time.

However, when we are feeling emo, and we have no one to turn to, no one to talk to, and we have not been through this situation, or a similar one before, what do we do? We basically have one of two choices: we either lock ourselves in a room, shy away from human contact, look all tired and hide away.

Or we can push forward; realizing that shying and staying away does nothing for anyone, we try to get what others “owe” us, and we get what we need. Sure, this sounds mercenary, but did you search out friends to be all alone and by yourself? No, we connect, and when we feel something is wrong, we do something about it, instead of just hanging around waiting for the situation to change.

Sure, all of us, male and female, end up emo. The question is what do we do next?

Do we make a move?

Or do we remain emo?

The Hot Seat

Ahh….

The joys of university life, of living in a place which you have to call your own (though it may not be paid by yourself) and of handling your own time yourself. You get to go to an institution of higher learning, enrich yourself with knowledge and experiences (extra-curricular activities and extra-institutional activities) and mature in all aspects thinkable; body, mind, soul, and for some of us, spirit.

Speaking of university life and extra-curricular activities, one extra-curricular activity which most university students go through is known as orientation. In some universities (like the one I’m coming/going to right now) it is not compulsory. But seriously, if you’re not going to have fun during orientation, when on earth are you going to?

Ok, ok, so before I go about extolling the virtues of attending orientation (for all it’s worth, it was fun, but it was also tiring, dirty and can also be quite frustrating) I’ll get back on topic.

During orientation, we (as in the whole intake of medical students) got split up into groups. While most of orientation was spent with the Orientation Group playing games, acting, practicing for the former and going to mamak, there were occasions when one of us would have to do something on our own. Normally games were played as a group, but some games only required one or two members.

One can’t imagine how hard it is to be in the hot seat until one finds oneself in such a position. A position where the fate of one‘s group rests in one’s hands, one’s other assorted appendages, or other organs of one’s body, or the ability to use the aforementioned properly.

More specifically, it is one thing to cheer other people on as they arm wrestle, eat, show off their bodies, thread needles and type SMSes.

It’s a completely different thing to find oneself in a similar position.

Case in point… well there was the indoor treasure hunt. For some reason of bizarre nature, the organizers decided that they would have a 4x8 chess game right at the end of the treasure hunt after the hunting was over. As the guy who tried out for the house chess team, I was pushed to the forefront and asked to coordinate the tactics and strategy for the chess game.

It should have been a piece of cake.

Except for the fact that I am very out of touch with chess tactics and that with regards to 4x8 chess, I was as good as any newbie.

Needless to say, I gave up a pawn at the start, for no positional or tactical advantage. Then there were numerous free pieces given away; knights and more pawns. After giving away practically half of my group’s pieces we were then told that there is a time limit and then after that, points would be calculated.

So they put me out of misery really quickly. Thank God for that. Otherwise, my group would have been routed on stage, for the whole batch to see.

In any case, my team’s loss was my blame entirely. I haven’t apologized to them for such a terrible display of chess, though frankly speaking, I might never get round to it; orientation is over and we aren’t playing any more games. But then again, we will still be sticking together for two and a half years; there is probably a lot of time to repair the damage done.

While the damage done was minor (just a couple of points), I can only imagine what my group was thinking after I gave such a pathetic display of chess. Sure, we were already screwed over by our inability to find our clues (there were allegations we were sabotaged, but that is besides the point) but to end up in last position when we had a chance to take one position higher… sigh…

And as the chief architect of the failure... it hurts even to think about it.

It makes one want to run up and down the tallest block in Vista (Which I did. Okay, so I didn’t run, but I went up by foot), to figure out what went wrong, to dissect the chess game in one’s head, to force oneself to never ever make such a stupid mistake again.

Such is the power of failing whilst in the hot seat.

Well, I thought that would have be the last occasion I messed them (actually, all of us) up. Needless to say, I was wrong.

On the very next day, we went for the outdoor treasure hunt. One of the stations involved, again, one member being singled out to do some not-so-menial task (mental arithmetic) and if he or she failed to do so in a timely manner, the rest of the group (the one in the hot seat excluded) would have to get a bath of lake water. As for how clean the water is… let’s just say that most fish won’t even be able to survive there.

After one of my group members tried the first three questions (he got one right), the group decided to switch him for me as he had more failures than passes. Well, that was half of the reason… the other half was that I was giving out the answers faster than he could.

So I got thrust into the hot seat, again.

And I didn’t fare much better than the other guy. I did manage to get the first question correct, really quickly, but after that I messed up the second one, and I had absolutely no idea on what to do for the third one. So one could say I performed at about the same efficiency as he did.

When we’re in the hot seat, we find ourselves under pressure. People are watching; people are looking. It doesn’t really matter whether they are our competitors or our teammates; if we are competing against them, we need to make sure we do well, if we want to win. On the other hand, if they are our teammates, we want to make sure that we do well, so that we don’t let them down.

Our every move is seen as what seems to be the whole world is watching us make every move, with every move possibly rewarding them with victory or costing them a victory.

When we have to do some high-stakes activity by ourselves, we need to calm down. Yes, the whole world is watching. Yes, if we mess up, we might take down our whole group with us. Yes, if we mess up, we might have just made someone’s day.

But we need to remember that if we do panic, we will mess up. And that can’t be good.

Communities

Teenage years are one of the most interesting for a normal human being. We get more responsibilities, freedom and learn more things than before, yet not as much as we get when we get older. We don’t have to worry about what we are going to eat when we get home, but we can determine when we want to go home. We get to drive a car, yet don’t have to worry about its mortgage. We learn more than we would at any other time of our life.

All this learning is possible because of the creation of institutions called schools, colleges and universities. Okay, most of the fun is while we are in the first two institutions, not to mention the fact I haven’t started university yet, however, the responsibilities freedoms, etc. are pretty similar in all three.

One of the common features of all three institutions is that apart from making our brains expand due to overwork (or meltdown due to too much overwork) is that there are communities formed when we are there. That’s what makes it fun. While the buildings maybe decaying, the course tiring, the coursework tedious and the lecturers demanding, our classmates are what makes it fun. Yes, we do get a piece of paper after that, saying that we completed the course, however, completing it on our own is absolutely no fun.

And while we are on the topic of coursemates/classmates, they are the ones we hang out with when we want to go yum cha, or watch a movie, or when we want to have an outing to some unknown part of the country. When we want to do something crazy, they’ll be right there with us. They are always there, and will let you in on anything because they are your mates, right?

For most people, this is true. To varying extents, no doubt, but it is true.

Yours truly seems to have gotten the shorter end of the stick.

Ok, ok, so I get it – after school is done, doesn’t matter whether it’s six weeks long, or six years long, the interactions change from those of need to those of preference. In school, we ask people because we need something from them, but more than that, it’s also because we’re stuck in the same room more than six hours a day for a reasonably long period of time. So might as well make some chit chat while we’re at it.

When school’s out, well, we aren’t stuck in the same room for more than six hours a day and we can jolly well do whatever we want whenever we want, or rather, in this case, we can talk to whoever we want.

The organization which placed us together (or in some cases, dumped us together) in the first place is no longer in existence, so there is no longer any reason to keep the bonds which bind us for the sole reason we used to spend more so much time together, right?

I’m tempted to give in, but I won’t.

Why?

For the same reason why I don’t write everyone off when the organization has finished running its course.

I consider all my classmates equally. Ok, maybe some more equally than others, but with regards to who to stay in touch with and how much time to spend keeping in touch, I don’t discriminate. If I get a chance, I wouldn’t think twice. Given half a chance, I would find a way to expand the probability to a one.

So you can imagine I’m not impressed when I find out that I’m the last on the list to find out about anything going down.

In fact, to say I’m not impressed is an extremely diplomatic way of saying it. The correct words to describe my emotions, whenever I find out, are not currently available to me, as I have no intention of turning my blog into a profanity-heavy site.

So, what should I do? Should I continue hoping, waiting, looking forward to the day when my phone will finally ring or buzz, and I’ll find that someone is looking forward to meeting up with me?

I’m tired. No, seriously. I’m tired. It doesn’t matter whether I write this on multiple days at 4 in the morning, or whether I write this at one shot at some not so unearthly hour. I’m tired of waiting, of hoping, of expecting for a phone call or SMS, or even just a verbal invitation which never seems to come.

So, should I cut ties? Seems like an inviting prospect.

I expect a certain amount of communication in my relationships. Again, I don’t find it amusing when I find that I have to dig up every single bit from anyone I’m talking to. No one likes doing that. Well, I don’t, especially. It shows when you have to dig up every single bit of information. Normally when one does that, one is desperate. It also means that no one is sharing information with the person in question, which in turn means that he or she isn’t deemed important in the relationship.

Couple that with the expectation of the person in question, you get a problem. Well, one may say that isn’t a problem, as the relationship doesn’t exist in the first place. Only one person holds the other in such high regard, and the other doesn’t reciprocate, at least for the same reasons as the former.

So cutting ties does seem to be a viable option for me. I consider that the opposing party should have at least the decency to keep me in the know. If they can’t even be bothered to do so, I don’t know why I keep a relationship which has deteriorated so poorly in such high regard.

What does one do with the people marginalized by society, or rather, in this case, marginalized by the community? If you’re a Christian, and you terasa sampai buntut, I won’t start. You know where to look, and if you don’t you’d better be ready for a lecture in Bible Knowledge.

However, to humans in general, this is my question to you: What do you do with the outcasts, the poor, the downtrodden, the needy? Do you push them away, ignore them, keep them out of the loop?

You decide.

Pedestrians

Every day, we wake up, get up, and after eating our breakfast and cleaning ourselves up, such that we are presentable to the rest of the human race, we go about our daily duties; whether as breadwinners, housemakers, students, or, as in my case, loafers. Nevertheless, we need to get to wherever we are doing our “jobs” by some means of transport or other. Sure, sometimes our job is as a vacationer or holidaymaker, but we still need to get to wherever we are going by transport.

Nowadays, there is a plethora of methods of transportation for going to wherever one is going. For long distances, there are aeroplanes. For heavy loads with reasonably long distances, there are ships, then there are trains, buses, cars, taxis, vans, and cars.

Not forgetting to mention that there is the oldest form of transport available to man. It’s used more often than we think, and it’s free, healthy, readily available regardless of time of day and is one of the more efficient forms available to man. Yes people, I’m talking about the Bas Sebelas or in less colloquial language, walking.

And as anyone who lives in an urban area would tell you, there are roads one has to cross, so we become pedestrians. The way drivers give way to pedestrians in any one territory is due to a combination of the laws there, the civic consciousness and as Americans would call it, car culture. One can probably tell which part of the world one is in just by seeing how people drive and walk.

In Singapore, pedestrians cross at the zebra crossings briskly. There are a reasonably high number wherever they are needed so that where there is a need for pedestrians to cross a road, they do not have to walk too far to get to a zebra crossing. More surprisingly is the way the drivers in Singapore behave when they approach a zebra crossing. They stop their cars and wait for you to cross, even if you are standing on the road shoulder on the other side of the road.

The first time that happened, I was caught off guard. So I walked as fast as I could across the road. Singapore has a reasonable public transport system, but they also have a lot of cars as well, so it surprised me that their drivers were willing to give way to pedestrians, considering their proximity to Malaysia.

In Hong Kong, pedestrians walk without even looking, especially if they are crossing at a traffic light or a pedestrian crossing. They might just give a casual glance at the road before crossing, and when it is indicated that the traffic is one way, they look in that direction only.

Traffic in Hong Kong is also very much geared to the pedestrian as well. Cars would stop for pedestrians, and when there are many, many pedestrians, the green light for cars is shortened by pedestrians crossing when they feel they’ve waited enough.

Road signage in Hong Kong is also pretty amusing for a Malaysian to look at. Remember all those words in paint which always seem to be disappearing? Well, in Hong Kong, the signage is painted so many times, the paint is at least half an inch thick. At junctions without pedestrian crossings, there are the words “LOOK LEFT” ( and the Chinese equivalent) painted in half-inch thick paint on one side of the road and the words “LOOK RIGHT” (and the Chinese equivalent) on the other side of the road.

While in Hong Kong, I would look at both sides of the road, even when there were lights. After one occasion in during which me and my dad crossed a one way street after looking at both sides of the road (not to mention we continued checking while crossing), I mentioned to my father, ”Only Malaysians would look both ways while crossing a one way road”. My dad’s reply? “I was about to say the same thing.”

Okay, I have come across many Malaysians who would tell me, “It’s okay to cross the road without looking, you have right of way!” My standard reply is that the only right one would be exercising would be the right to get knocked down by a car. Sure, pedestrians have right of way and all that, but in Malaysia, I won’t encourage anyone to behave that way. Maybe in Singapore, definitely in Hong Kong, but we have to practice defensive walking here.

So maybe one may ask why the different styles of traffic management despite the fact that we were all conquered by the same colonizer (the English)? Well, colonizers are one thing, people are another. Singaporeans have to follow every law to the letter (or the stroke, if I may) and they do so exceptionally; they give pedestrians right of way every time they have to. In general, they are also more civic conscious than most Malaysians, so they understand the need to follow the law and to ensure order.

In Hong Kong, few people can afford their own car, with high taxes on everything car related in Hong Kong. The territory can also ill afford traffic jams, with so little space and area to expand. As such, pedestrians make up most of their traffic, and car drivers understand this. As there are so many, they have to give way, even when they have right of way. Hong Kongers might not be the nicest people on earth, but when it comes to civic awareness, they still beat us Malaysians in many areas. We can start with right of way, but then there’s also the way they enter and leave trains, as well as a long list of other differences.

Malaysians… I have no idea why we just refuse to follow the rules. I guess people in general lack civic awareness. Unlike the two territories mentioned above, Malaysia has a substantial rural population, so when they come to the city, they bring along all their bad habits. Add to that the uncontrolled influx of foreign workers with walking habits worst than that of Malaysian drivers, we get a car culture where the car is king, and can jump pedestrian lights if there is no one crossing the road.

Would I want to walk my way in this environment? Well, sometimes I have no choice; public transport doesn’t always stop where we want it to stop. I just have to be extra vigilant when I cross the roads, as cars generally don’t stop, or even slow down, when they see a pedestrian, unless they’re going to hit you.

Walking in Singapore and Hong Kong is definitely a breeze compared to walking here. Everything from better infrastructure to better driver’s habits makes life easier, not to mention safer. Walking here is definitely a pain in the ass.

But it goes to show the kind of people there are in the territories. Singaporeans are law-abiding, goody goody (at least within Singapore), Hong Kongers, while not everyone’s favourite kind of person, are at the very least, civic minded. Malaysians…sigh…. In general, Malaysians are neither civic minded nor law abiding…

We could probably qualify for the Wild Wild West of driving if there ever was one. Would we win? With China trumping us in civiclessness, we might not, but we would definitely get an Honourable Mention.

Last Chance

A lot of nice movies came out last year. Okay, so I can’t watch them all, even movies which I want to watch, either due to their killer trailers, or just great storylines, or just because they seem interesting. However, the main factor why I didn’t see many movies last year, especially in the second half of the year was because of STPM.

So I didn’t go for any movies for the second half of last year. Nothing new with that, I did the same when I was taking PMR and SPM.

But that doesn’t mean that I missed nothing. I wanted to see one movie in particular. Okay, some people say that it now has more in common with a Bollywood movie than it does with your average Hollywood movie, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t watch it. Considering that I barely watch movies, any movie does fine for me.

Okay, so maybe plotless ones with more in common with a headless chicken than a headless duck really get me turned off (not to mention sleepy), but I normally take anything that comes my way. I still do know how to enjoy the better things in life, but that doesn’t mean I’ll throw everything else away.

So when my sister bought High School Musical 3 about a week ago I watched it the first chance I got. I was busy trying to get my monitor and RAM to work with my old and slow (now no longer slow, but slightly older) desktop computer, so I didn’t catch the first screening in the afternoon. With my brother trying his best to take over the world and Smallville at half past ten, my earliest chance was at eleven thirty.

I’ll give this to the critics – The first song really does feel like a Bollywood one, with Gabriella suddenly shouting out of the middles of nowhere, but all the others are, in my humble opinion that is, not too out of place. However, it wasn’t the songs that stayed with me the most. It was the issues raised.

So, okay, with major exams coming soon, no parent in his or her right mind would allow their child to go to the cinemas to watch a movie. However, what really kept me from going was not so much the exams.

It was more about what the movie was about, and how much parallel I could draw between it and my life.

Excerpt from “Now or Never”

The way we play tonight
Is what we leave behind
It all comes down to right now it’s up to us
So what are we gonna be?
T-E-A-M TEAM!
We got to turn work it out
Turn it up
C’mon!

This is the last chance to get it back
This is the last chance to make it our night
And we got to show what we’re all about
Team! Work together.

This is the last chance to make our mark
History will know who we are
This is the last game so make it count
It’s now or never.

Okay, so STPM is not a team effort and it most certainly isn’t determined by 32 minutes of your life. It’s everyone for him or herself and it is spread out over a period of two weeks. However, as I said parallels…so…

In American basketball, teams which do well in the regular season proceed on to the playoffs, basically a series of knockout games. As in any sporting event, a team would be well known for what happens to them at the final hurdle. On the other hand, though STPM is not done in a night, nearly all of a candidates marks in the STPM examination is based on what happens in those two weeks of those examinations. So the first two lines draw direct parallels – what happens in regular season in HSM3 and in all the internal exams won’t be what we leave behind; it was our performance at the final hurdle.

Obviously, no one can study for you, so yeah, it was all up to me, and what I could manage then, or as it was known (more than seven months ago) as right now.

The chorus practically sang out what I felt during STPM. One might ask what I wanted to get back. Well, after faltering during the trials, I wanted to be top of the form. After coming out tops in the mid-year exam, I wanted to prove that I wasn’t just a flash in the pan.

But what really made me stand and listen to the song every time it was played last year was the part going “This is the last chance...” . To be honest, I didn’t figure out the rest of the lyrics until I watched it this year. However, it was truly my last chance. STPM would be the last exam I take in the school system. It would be the last major exam. It was the last chance I would get to shine in Seafield.

That’s just one of the songs, and one of the reasons why watching that movie last year was not such a good idea – at least for me.

Six months later, the results are out, and most of us have gone to the university, with the rest probably enrolling within two months time. Looks like history will remember me as part of the group that almost made it. The STPM 2008 batch will probably be remembered for three things. Firstly, for being a notoriously small batch. Secondly, for being the first batch to have everyone get a principle for at least one subject, and thirdly, for being the batch with the highest 3.92 scorer percentage, a whopping 6.33 percent.

It would probably be my contribution to the third part which I would be remembered most in history – at least, Seafield history.

As I mentioned earlier, I didn’t do as well as I should have. When it comes to this, being distracted by thoughts about a girl during study week isn’t exactly helpful. Sigh. If only I paid more attention to studies than to dreams…

Language Barrier

Debaters are valued for a multitude of reasons. Normally, only people who can think on their feet will become debaters, and they also must be fluent in the language of their choosing. Wittiness and a sense of humour are also valued attributes in debaters.

As a research team member on the USJ 12 debate team when I was in Form 4, I was once given this topic just to assess my ability as a debater: Language is a barrier to acquiring knowledge. Of course, my eyeballs dropped out as I had no idea on how to start or what it actually meant.

To me, language is necessary for acquiring any type of knowledge. Sure, basic skills such as carpentry, masonry and many household chores can be picked up without language, but language would facilitate the teaching and learning of these skills. On top of that, science, mathematics, social sciences and history all require language for the knowledge to be stored, and also to be taught.

Languages form a big part in our daily lives. We use it to exchange information, give opinions and also to give out orders. We might not enjoy languages, especially when our ability to use a language we don’t really enjoy using is examined, but we still need to use languages nonetheless.

Coming back to the original topic posed to me, I now see that there is more than one dimension to acquiring knowledge. If everyone on the planet used one language, then this would language would in no way be a problem to acquiring knowledge. However, there are probably thousands of languages in use now all over the world, some by a few dozen people, others by over a billion people. The problem is not acquiring knowledge from people who speak the same language as you do; it is in fact, acquiring knowledge from people who don’t speak your language.

When we translate, a lot of what we say is lost in translation. Sometimes, literal translations cause phrases to lose their original meaning, other times, translations which take into account what the speaker is saying cause some of the “oomph” of the original work to be lost. Even good translations lose their effect on people through different ways; different cultures consider different aspects of life differently, and even the order in which a list is made differs.

While translations don’t really wreck havoc in science and mathematics (the proof is generally all there, and by convention, language used must be to the point, concise and unambiguous), they can cause much trouble in social sciences, and absolutely wreck havoc in the fine arts, where the underlying meaning has normally much more weight than the words themselves.

Different languages may also form barriers when it comes to socializing, and acquiring information not directly necessary to one’s career, but necessary for one’s social life. The inability to understand your social contacts can prove pretty damaging when it comes to developing relations with them, especially when they start using what some would call advanced language.

However, two people don’t need to use two languages to cause misunderstanding. Sometimes, two people using the same language can have communication breakdowns. This is especially true with Chinese, with its many dialects. Mandarin (commonly called Chinese by Chinese-eds, so for the record, the dialect is Mandarin), Cantonese, Hokkien, Hakka, Teochew…the list goes on and on…

The bottom line is, while in writing they will be able to understand each other perfectly, when they speak, misunderstanding, and laughter ensues. Of course, there has been debate whether all the languages should be collectively called the Chinese language, with different dialects, or whether they should be called different languages altogether, due to the differences in pronunciation between the various dialects. The debate goes on.

But even in languages where there is much standardization, communication breakdowns can still occur. Take English, for example, where the spelling of nearly every word is the same (we have the Americans to thank for that) and the pronunciation is supposedly the same. On one occasion, I was told to go to the “hall on the third floor” of a building. Having been there before, I went three floors up as I knew that there was a hall there.

Little did I realize that I only had to go up two floors. They had actually meant the second floor above ground level, also known as the second floor, in British English, or the third floor, in American English. So much for using the same language to avoid confusion. This goes to show that even when using the same language, the usage of a same word in a given situation can convey a number of different meanings.

Another more common, though less thought of language barrier is that between generations. Words such as “lame” or “cool” enter differently in the dictionary of people of different generations. On the one hand, most youth would understand the meaning of those two words almost instantly, while most of their parents would only know “cool” as a degree of warmth, and “lame” as a disability affecting one’s ability to move, especially with one’s legs.

How do you explain to your parents what’s cool? Not what is cool and what isn’t, but what cool is. Would someone who did not grow up in an environment such as that understand it? I’m not saying that all parents are thick and do not want to understand their kids, it’s just that the differences of language used, or rather, the differences of usage in the language they use, can present problems unique to each batch of children.

Language will continue to be a barrier when we communicate. It is a human construct, and as such cannot possibly be perfect. We will continue to have communication breakdowns, regardless of whether the breakdown is in a casual, unimportant situation, or formal, important situation. What we can do, however, is to learn each other’s language and adapt accordingly; learn to listen how they would listen, and learn to speak how they would speak. It doesn’t matter whether the language is different, or the dialect is, or the usage of the language is; when the message doesn’t get across, there is almost always a language barrier.

PPSMI

Kebelakangan ini, Kabinet Malaysia telah membuat keputusan untuk mengubah bahasa pengantaraan bagi subjek Sains dan Matematik daripada Bahasa Inggeris kepada Bahasa Malaysia. Keputusan ini merupakan suatu pusingan balik bagi sistem pengajaran Malaysia kerana setelah hanya enam tahun sejak PPSMI dilaksanakan, polisi ini telah ditarik balik.

Pengajaran dan Pembelajaran Sains dan Matematik dalam Bahasa Inggeris (PPSMI), atau dalam Bahasa Inggeris, “The Teaching of Mathematics and Science in English” (eTeMS), merupakan antara polisi-polisi terakhir yang diusulkan oleh bekas Perdana Menteri keempat kita, iaitu Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad. Tujuan kewujudan polisi ini, yang telah dimulakan pada tahun 2003, adalah untuk meningkatkan tahap penguasaan rakyat Malaysia dalam Bahasa Inggeris.

Selain itu, banyak buku serta sumber rujukan bagi kedua-dua mata pelajaran ini adalah dalam Bahasa Inggeris. Walaupun pada peringkat sekolah rendah and sekolah menengah buku dalam Bahasa Inggeris tidak perlu dirujuk untuk meluaskan ilmu pengetahuan mahupun penguasaan seseorang murid dalam sesuatu mata pelajaran, tetapi pada peringkat univeristi dan peringkat pra-universiti, buku-buku dalam Bahasa Inggeris perlu dirujuk untuk membolehkan seseorang murid menguasai sesuatu mata pelajaran.

Selain daripada keperluan pelajar pada peringkat pra-universiti dan universiti, pelajar pos-siswazah juga akan mendapati bahawa ia lebih senang untuk belajar dalam Bahasa Inggeris. Hal ini demikian kerana sebahagian besar daripada sumber bagi pembelajaran mereka adalah dalam Bahasa Inggeris. Walaupun buku-buku in boleh diterjemah ke dalam Bahasa Malaysia, namun demikian, masalah dalam proses penterjemahan akan merumitkan kejituan buku terjemahan yang dihasilkan. Selain itu, bilangan buku yang diterjemah tidak banyak, dan karya sains dan matematik dalam Bahasa Malaysia yang dihasilkan oleh pensyarah tempatan amat sedikit.

Pada pandangan saya, polisi PPSMI merupakan suatu langkah dalam arah yang betul bagi sistem pendidikan Malaysia. Namun begitu, polisi ini tidak sempurna, sama ada dalam tujuannya, cara pelaksanaannya mahupun tempoh masa yang dipilih untuk memeriksa keberkesanan polisi tersebut.

Walaupun pada tujuan asalnya PPSMI dilaksanakan merupakan suatu yang pasti akan membawa manfaat kepada rakyat Malaysia secara umumnya (iaitu untuk meningkatkan tahap penguasaan Bahasa Inggeris di kalangan rakyat Malaysia), tetapi pengajaran mata pelajaran yang amat penting untuk pembangunan Malaysia dalam bahasa yang, secara amnya, dianggap asing bagi masyarakat luar bandar mungkin telah menyebabkan masyarakat yang tidak memahami ataupun melihat kepentingan Bahasa Inggeris dalam hidup masyarakat kini membenci kesemua mata pelajaran yang terlibat; Matematik, Sains dan Bahasa Inggeris.

Polisi ini tidak diberikan masa untuk memastikan bahawa tenaga pengajar telah dilatih sepenuhnya sebelum polisi ini dilaksanakan. Para guru, yang telah biasa mengajar dalam Bahasa Malaysia, akan mengambil masa untuk menyesuaikan diri dalam suasana mengajar subjek Matamatik dan Sains dalam Bahasa Inggeris. Bagi para guru yang telah menguasai Bahasa Inggeris, sama ada daripada pengalaman bekerja, hasil daripada belajar di luar negara, mahupun dari inisiatif sendiri, mereka mungkin tidak akan menghadapi apa-apa masalah dengan PPSMI. Hal ini juga benar bagi mereka yang diajar dalam Bahasa Inggeris apabila mereka sendiri belajar pada peringkat sekolah menegah dan sekolah rendah dulu.

Selain itu, polisi ini menghadapi tentangan yang hebat akibat daripada sebahagian guru yang enggan mengajar dalam Bahasa Inggeris. Hal ini mungkin atas dasar prinsip, ataupun berdasarkan pandangan seseorang guru bahawa Sains dan Matematik harus diajar dalam Bahasa Melayu, ataupun sebab yang lain.

Salah satu perkara yang juga dibuat pada masa yang kurang sesuai adalah masa yang dipilih untuk memeriksa keberkesanan polisi PPSMI. Adakah enam tahun merupakan tempoh masa yang cukup lama untuk meningkatkan tahap penguasaan Bahasa Inggeris di kalangan rakyat Malaysia? Polisi ini akan mengambil masa satu generasi atau lebih sebelum keberkesanannya dapat diukur dengan jitu. Paling kurangnya, kita patut menunggu untuk dua puluh tahun sebelum membuat keputusan untuk menyemak polisis PPSMI. Hal ini kerana setiap murid dalam system pendidikan Malaysia akan mengambil masa sebelas tahun untuk menyiapkan proses pembelajaran di sekolah rendah and menengah. Sembilan tahun patut diperuntukan lagi untuk memastikan bahawa data yang dikumpulkan merupakan data yang jitu dan unsur rawak dikurangkan.

Jikalau kita berasa bahwa polisi PPSMI merupakan polisi yang kurang sesuai untuk rakyat Malaysia dan kita tidak sanggup melabur dua puluh tahun untuk menguji keberkesannya, kita sepatutnya tidak mengambil langkah yang telah (dan masih sedang) memberikan impak kepada ramai murid dalam system persekolahan Malaysia. Walau bagaimanapun, nasi telah menjadi bubur.

Malahan, proses transisi yang akan diambil untuk menukarkan bahasa pengantaraan dari Bahasa Inggeris kepada Bahasa Malaysia juga kurang difikirkan oleh pihak atasan. Salah satu langkah yang akan diambil adalah menukar bahasa pengantaraan pada tahap pendidikan yang berbeza, iaitu, Tahun Satu, Tahun Empat, Tingkatan Satu serta Tingkatan Empat. Walaupun proses ini dihasilkan untuk meminimumkan impak kepada para murid and pengajar, tetapi, pada pandangan saya, proses ini tidak akan mengurangkan impak. Sebaliknya, ia akan mengganggu pengembangan murid dalam mata pelajaran Sains dan Matematik.

Bayangkan keadaan murid-murid dalam sistem persekolahan kita – setelah tiga, enam, atau sembilan tahun belajar Sains dan Matematik, mereka akan menukar bahasa pangantaraan bagi kedua-dua subjek tersebut kepada Bahasa Malaysia. Golongan yang akan menerima kesan terbesar merupakan golongan yang akan terpaksa menukar setelah belajar dalam Bahasa Inggeris selama sembilan tahun. Malahan, langkah ini merupakan langkah yang hanya setengah masak; Selepas belajar dalam Bahasa Malaysia selama dua tahun, murid-murid ini akan menukar bahasa pangantaraan mereka daripada Bahasa Malaysia kepada Bahasa Inggeris untuk pendidikan pra-univerisiti dan untuk pendidikan peringkat universiti.

Selepas membuat keputusan yang membolehkan pelejar-pelajar yang akan menduduki SPM pada tahun 2013 dan 2014 untuk memilih sama ada mereka mahu menjawab dalam Bahasa Inggeris atau Bahasa Malaysia, ramai murid telah dapat bernafas lega. Walau bagaimanapun, bahasa pengantaraan bagi kelas mereka mungkin akan dijadikan Bahasa Malaysia, disebabkan guru mereka lebih suka mengajar dalam bahasa tersebut. Guru-guru boleh berbuat demikian tanpa menghiraukan permintaan murid-murid mereka mahupun ibu bapa murid-murid tersebut. Hal ini memudaratkan bagi murid-murid mereka kerana mereka akan dipaksa belajar dalam bahasa yang mereka kurang senang menggunakan.

Salah satu hasil yang dinantikan yang tidak dapat dinafikan ialah keputusan murid-murid luar bandar dalam Sains dan Matematik akan bertambah baik kerana mereka akan dapat belajar kedua-dua mata pelajaran tersebut dalam bahasa ibunda mereka. Namun begitu, jikalau mereka tidak dapat menguasai Bahasa Inggeris, mereka akan mangalami kesusahan apabila belajar pada peringkat pra-universiti nanti; walaupun Kerajaan telah membuat keputusan untuk menukar bahasa pangantaraan bagi sekolah rendah dan sekolah menengah balik kepada Bahasa Malaysia, namun bahasa pengantaraan bagi kedua-dua subjek tersebut masih merupakan Bahasa Inggeris bagi program Tingkatan 6 dan Matrikulasi.

Adakah menukar dari satu bahasa kepada bahasa yang lain merupakan tindakan yang wajar diambil oleh kerajaan Malaysia? Pada pandangan saya, jawapannya tidak. Terdapat pelbagai penyelesaian untuk keadaan yang kita dalam ini. Dengan melihat negara lain yang berada dalam keadaan yang serupa dengan keadaan kita, kita mungkin akan dapat mengambil ilham daripada mereka.

Negara Hong Kong merupakan salah satu daripada dua wilayah autonomi dalam Negara Cina, dan akan dapat menentukan sistem pendidikan mereka sehingga tahun 2050. Setelah Hong Kong dikembalikan kepada Negara Cina, kerajaan Hong Kong dan Cina telah mengambil langkah untuk memupuk perpaduan antara penduduk Hong Kong dengan penduduk Negara Cina secara umumnya. Salah satu langkah yang diambil ialah menukar bahasa pangantaraan bagi mata pelajaran sains dan matematik di Hong Kong daripada Bahasa Inggeris kepada Bahasa Mandarin.

Namun begitu, akhir-akhir ini, kerajaan Hong Kong telah mengambil langkah untuk mengajar Sains dan Matematik dalam Bahasa Inggeris, dan juga untuk menambah bilangan jam murid-murid diajar dalam Bahasa Inggeris. Alasannya? Ramai ibu bapa di Hong Kong berpendapat bahawa sekolah yang mengajar dalam Bahasa Inggeris merupakan sekolah yang lebih baik, dibandingkan dengan sekolah yang menggunakan Bahasa Cina sebagai bahasa pengantaraan mereka. Walau bagaimanapun, bagi peperiksaan-peperiksaan umum di Hong Kong, jawapan untuk mata pelajaran Sains dan Matematik boleh ditulis dalam Bahasa Inggeris atau Bahasa Cina.

Jika kita mengambil ilham daripada keadaan ini, kita mungkin akan dapat menyelesaikan masalah kita. Murid-murid yang belajar dalam sekolah harus diberi peluang untuk memilih bahasa yang mereka mahu diajar dalam, serta bahasa yang mereka akan gunakan untuk manjawab kertas ujian mereka.

Ada tak ibu bapa yang tidak mahukan anak-anak mereka berjaya dalam hidup? Semua ibu bapa pasti mahukan anak-anak mereka berjaya dalam hidup. Dalam era globilasi ini, penguasaan Bahasa Inggeris amat penting jika seseorang mahu berjaya dalam hidup. Kesimpulannya, kita perlu memastikan bahawa tahap penguasaan Bahasa Inggeris dalam kalangan penduduk Malaysia meningkat, tetapi pada masa yang sama, kita perlu memastikan bahawa semua orang diberi peluang untuk belajar Sains dan Matematik dalam bahasa pilihan mereka.

The Hot One

Well, why the reason for all this secrecy? I’m going all out on some people in particular, some groups of people in general, and if you don’t have the patience to read through all my posts, or the endurance to look through, then you don’t deserve to be reading this.

Quite the contrary if you’re reading this.

Here goes.

This is a follow-up from “Community”. I’ve seen a lot of things in life, and some things I accept more readily than others. Facts of life like studying requires more than just reading at the last minute, or that I can’t sleep at 4 and expect to wake up at eight the next morning without falling asleep all the time the next day, or that I can’t always get the girls I like.

As I posted in “Community”, we are all part of some community or other, at every stage of our lives. When we move on, sometimes, the community moves on without us. It can be quite depressing at times.

I’ve been passed over too many times than I care to count. From Form 5 prefects reunions to Form 5 class reunions (or part thereof – if there have been any, I obviously haven’t been informed, despite the fact I have always stayed at the same place since I’ve finished Form 5 till now) to Form 6 class reunions, to JS reunions.

Do you how depressing it is to look at a blog and find out that the prefects who you once served along with didn’t have the courtesy to invite you to a reunion, despite the fact that you live so close to your former alma mater? In fact, I haven’t moved since I finished Form 5. It makes it all the more annoying. Why?

One fine day, I was looking at some blog posts made in Jian Wei’s blog. And I came across some photos of a reunion which I had not been privy to. I thought, maybe it was just the exco. Then I saw prefects who were not exco. I was left scratching my head.

I thought it was just me, until I went back to school. Johan then remarked to me that we weren’t invited. I agreed. That was when I first came up with the notion that college isn’t exactly the best place to go.

I can give a thousand other reasons, but the main one is that people who go to college think that there is no such a thing as Form 6. That’s ok, until they forget to remember us. Sure, I’m no proponent of Form 6 either (at least not in its current form), but college students seem to have forgotten everyone else in the world. You may consider me skeptical, cynical, sarcastic, and point to a hundred other examples where college students do not forget their Form 6 peer…

So why did the leader (and his gang of leaders) of the prefect board 2006 forget the 2 prefects who went to Form 6? Just the courtesy of inviting us would have been enough. Instead, we were passed over many, many times.

And it is not like we did not have each other’s contact details. All students in 5E had each other’s contact details, and the prefect board used to send the duty lists through the e-mail. So as to the reason why they never contacted us, it is truly beyond me.

How do they think they are going to maintain bonds forever, if they cannot even remember the people they served with? I think most of it is just bullcrap. If they really want to ensure we remain connected and united, they would tell everyone, or at least make an effort to do so.

As for 5E per se, I have had no contact with them as a class. Like I said earlier, if they have a reunion, I’ll probably find out on someone’s blog long after they have it. This does not make it any easier, I have to say, but it just goes to show how much my classmates value me.

The other annoying occasion was when JS had one of its reunions this year. Sarah (I think) and Victoria were talking about a reunion which happened earlier this year. I looked blankly at them and then Tim suggested that it might have been a girl’s outing. I accepted the fact; sometimes the girl’s want to go out alone.

Then Victoria recalled her experience of cramming into Mike’s Picanto. At this point, I wasn’t impressed. As you can probably tell, Mike is not a girl; he’s a guy. So why is it that Tim and I are left out in the dark? I have no idea. I shot Mike a glance when they mentioned the Picanto. He looked sheepishly at me, but it told me all I needed to know; he didn’t invite me, and he was feeling guilt for it.

Now as to why he didn’t, I have no idea. Maybe it’s because I don’t mix well with him. Maybe it’s because I gave some people the cold shoulder on Pangkor. But the point is still the same; if you don’t invite everyone to everything you do, do you expect everyone to feel a part of the community? Do you expect everyone to feel connected and bonded after you “forget”, intentionally or otherwise, to invite everyone?

I understand; sometimes, some just want to go out with their friends. However, when you see two or more circles going out, or one-third of your class going out, you start to wonder whether it is just friends, or whether it’s a selected class reunion.

But I have kept the best for last. I’m going weapons free here. You’ve been warned.

It is one thing to find out that you have been ignored when a group of your ex-classmates go out for a reunion, for any reason whatsoever;

Whether it is because you are not in an acceptable/popular place of pre-tertiary education (my supposed reason as to why Jian Wei and gang have not asked me back);

Or because it is because you don’t speak the same language as they do (my supposed reason as to why I haven’t heard a word from all those PBSM jokers);

Or because you blew your top with them once and are remembered as an impatient, arrogant, hot-tempered fool (my supposed reason as to why the my JS mates keep me at a distance)

However, it is a completely different thing to find yourself being treated as part of the furniture, while you are out with some “friends”, or should I say, imbeciles of such massive proportions, you’re surprised they can tell the difference between a house and a cockroach.

It was after Prize Giving day this year. As I have always been in Form 6, I’d talk to practically anyone on hand just to keep myself busy and company. So I stuck mostly to Jen Chong and Wai Chien for most of the day.

After prize giving, some of the recipients decided to go out for lunch together with Mr. Kang. At this juncture, Wai Chien decided to “send” me to Gia Yoke and Gia Ing’s car for reasons unknown. He did this by claiming that the twins were calling me.

I later learnt to my dismay that the twins had not called me, and that I was being “bullied” by Wai Chien (in the twins’ own words). I don’t mind that. No, the worst is yet to come.

So after eating, talking, listening and doing everything a bunch of former Sixth Formers do while at lunch, Jen Chong decided to respond to an SMS by Ying Wai, who was asking him to get some people for a game of basketball.

And I sat right next to him.

Now, what happens next amuses me so much, it isn’t funny. No, it isn’t even gross, it’s to orders of magnitude not found on this earth, disgusting. Maybe even treacherous, or even treasonous, but I won’t go there; he owes me no allegiance, and I’m glad he doesn’t;

He just kept looking around the table for someone, all the time ignoring me.

I decided enough was enough. When Shao Li and Joan discussed their plans to go out for an outing to Pangkor with few of my (our, depending on who you are) classmates, then proceeded to ask Grace what my (our, again depending on who you are) class was planning, Grace said nothing. I then said that if the class was even planning anything, I “would be the last person to know. If these people are planning anything, they won’t tell me. So please let me know if you people are planning anything.”

To which Shao Li and Joan laughed. I said it half jokingly, but I also said it in all seriousness; I had been left out in the dark far too many times than I can count, and I was pretty tired of it. But seriously, the comment was not aimed at her; the girls can do all their stuff without letting any guys know, and though I’d be missing, I would be wiser than to ask for getting in; it was aimed at Jen Chong.

I said it loudly enough that I was sure that Jen Chong was within earshot. Nevertheless, he kept searching the table for people to invite.

So ended the lunch, and I went back to the house, half amused, half fuming, but completely bemused; why is it that people who can get into the top 1.55 percent in the country can’t even recognize a potential invitee right next to them? Look, it’s not like they had no space for anyone else, they did, but Jen Chong still refused to invite me.

Ok, so one time was enough, but then again, this happened at Puan Moli’s house. Jen Chong was again asking for people to go to play basketball, and he was having a hard time getting Sonia to go along.

And I was standing there all the while, waiting for him to come to his senses.

However, this does not mean that the whole of my class is senseless or totally inapt at differentiating cockroaches from houses; Pek Yee suggested that Jen Chong invited me at one point. As I was standing behind Jen Chong and she had to point towards me, not to mention the fact that she was distracted not too long after and stopped perusing her suggestion, Jen Chong missed the suggestion.

So he ended up convincing half the class (figuratively speaking, of course) to go there and watch. What a successful attempt.

Look, I don’t want your pity or sympathy or your attention; it just hurts to find out you’re on the outside all the time. And as if to add insult to injury, it has to be done in my face.

All this while I’m here knowing that given half a chance, I’d say yes, rearrange my schedule to make sure I get maximum time with my “classmates” (I’ve already done this before, and I’d gladly do this again) or that if I plan something, I’d be sure to ask them, at the very least.

It is very stressful, painful and bewildering seeing every time I go to a reunion, I find out more than I want to know about what my classmates than I would have wanted to; where they’ve been, what they’ve done, who they’re with.

And every time I find myself asking, ”Why aren’t I there?”

Everyone gets varying degrees of freedom to determine their activities and to manage their time.
Some get the liberty to do so at a much younger age than others. Up to now, I have yet to get such liberty. As such please do not plan my activities for me. I already have enough people telling me what I can or cannot do, when I can or cannot do it, so if you’re planning something, let me know. Don’t hide behind the reason that “This is not his kind of thing, he won’t come”. I’m old enough to figure that out by myself.

Let me decide.

Give me the freedom to.

Speaking of time management and liberty, the time we gain such independence also influences what kind of friends we get, wand when we get them. So while I understand that you may say that, ”You’re perpetually not free!”, or “You’re haven’t spent enough time with me!”, spare a though for the guy on this end of the computer terminal.

He doesn’t get to choose what he wants to do with all his time.

Though if he could, he would have spent it with his “classmates”.

I’ve given some of my supposed reasons as to why “I’m never there”. My guess? They’re pretty accurate, either that, or they’re more sinister than I know. I don’t claim to know everything, and if I do so, I’d be lying. Big time.

So what should I do (or rather, what am I doing) with these “classmates” of mine? With respect to my Form 5 classmates, we have all been dispersed all over Malaysia (and the world, to varying extents). I haven’t kept in touch, so I guess it is my fault more than anyone else’s. However, if I find out that they’ve been having reunions… well, I seriously doubt so. The class is so diverse, so it would be hard to find one that crosses the many borders in class class and order. But in the unlikely case…

I’m not going to bother you, or bother with you anymore. Consider yourself warned.

As for the PBSM people (there’s no other word appropriate here), I’m cutting ties. I am a member of the Adult Division at Seafield, and while my membership will lapse due to inactivity, I don’t really mind: doctors don’t give first aid. If one can’t even try to keep the non-speaking Mandarin speaking parts of one’s community together, I see no need to do so myself.

As for the prefects, I’m also cutting ties. I’ve been here all this time, and I’ve always found out too late to do anything. Sure, I’ll always remember I was a prefect, but I’m no longer interested in any matters pertaining to it; we speak the same language, had a similar purpose; but still no need was made to maintain contact. I feel the same thing happened to my good friend when we left school, and I have no use for elitist folk.

As for JS, I’m giving us a chance; community is still new, and our paths may cross more than I’ll care to count in the future. Besides, I’m the “host” in the Klang Valley; so the onus is on me to bring all of us together.

As for my Sixth Form batch, and other associated classes, I’ve given up. I’m sick of being sidelined, sick of having decisions made for me by people who don’t even have the decency of asking, sick of being kept out of the loop, sick of being the last to find out all the time, every time.

Besides, we’ve run out of time. Most of you would have started uni already, and so, there’s no chance of meeting up.

Say whatever you want, I’m suffering from delusions of grandeur, delusions of persecution. Whatever. I’m not. I’m just tired of hoping for people who I consider friends to consider me in the same light, and to ask me out when I needed it most.

To all the students of Form 6/2008, SMK Seafiled, with special emphasis on 6A, I’m cutting ties. I’ll maintain relationships with you on a personal basis, based on a case to case basis. I want to have nothing to do with people who I keep hoping on but never deliver, people who I wait on but never seem to arrive, people who I helped out, who I laughed with, who I talked with;

But never seemed to have the decency to consider me a person worthy of a friendship.

You may say I’m demanding too much of such a low level relationship. Excuse me, is any relationship after one and a half years low level? Even if it is, I feel that the very least you could have done was let me know.

But then you might say, I don’t feel I owe you that much. Than let me ask you another question: If that is so, why do I feel you owe me so much? And if my feelings are out of place, is it your expectations that need fixing, or is it mine that need fixing? And if it is mine that need fixing, what is the best way to fix it?

I think you’re smart enough to figure that one out by yourself.

I’ll be frank; I feel I’ve been used. Squeezed out for information, then left out to dry. Sure, we all get whatever we can from our classmates, and some of us do whatever we can form our classmates, normally without any want for repayment.

But just for old time’s sake, do you think it is worth just remembering me when you plan something? I do; you obviously don’t. Just as I do, I’ll put any links to any blogs I find on my blog. Why? For old times sake.

Consider yourself served.