Part of Their World

All my life, I have been attempting to break into cliques. Maybe not so much in primary school, where I had a regular group of friends. But once I stepped into secondary school, I found myself breaking into one clique, and then another. Eventually, I found my own clique, but as it was not in all the activities I was involved in, I still had to break into cliques. That was for starters, for cliques are everywhere, even in church.

For once, my church decided to have its end of year camp concurrent with the YLDP, a camp held at the national level (not including East Malaysia). This resulted in me being the only person who went to YLDP from my church, so I found myself breaking into cliques. Eventually I found one, but I have to say, everyone sticks with their own cliques at the start of camp and dissociates to their own cliques at the end of camp. So I resorted to doing a Hari Seldon : watch people, observe group dynamics and figure out how to derive an equation from there. I have been doing that every time I find myself with nothing to do nowadays.

Going back to school, my own clique was broken up after SPM. One went to Matrikulasi, one to A-levels, one to UTAR and of course one to Form 6. Speaking of Form 6, I find myself having to break into cliques, again. Only this time, I failed to do so early enough, or rather mixed with the group which left. Thus, I went back to my old practice of observing people. However, when you are a Sixth Former who volunteers to be on the Editorial Board, you don't have much time. Needless to say, I don't miss having clique.

Except when it comes to class discussions.

Finding myself on the outside again is disheartening, to say the least. It gets even more annoying when people say you are eavesdropping conversations conducted in "plain sight". If one converses about something potentially sensitive in an open space with people who have clearance to be there, they have the privilege of hearing everything said, whether one consents to it or not. Only conversations held behind closed doors are private, and anyone who eavesdrops is violating your privacy. To have people say "Nothing!" or "Ta tou ting" (he's eavesdropping) makes me cringe. Worse than that, to find people changing their dialect of choice to ensure I don't find out what they are saying makes my blood boil. What bothers me is not how much I don't know, its when I find out.

To find you are right at the end of the grapevine since you don't associate with the right people at the right time or because you are not "cool" enough might not be a familiar concept to many people. I mean, how many ends of a grapevine can there be? Being kept out of conversations intentionally, finding out when the entire class already knows and finding one's head trodden over is not something one expects to getting used to. I have found it annoying, to say the least. One might suggest breaking into the cliques, again, but with Form 6 ending it really does not matter that much. Besides, these are cliques we are talking about, and the one common denominator of cliques is that they don't let anyone in, no matter how hard he or he tries.

I only ever wanted to be in the know, or maybe form part of their world. School isn't only about academic excellence and co-curricular activities - its where we network, learn about people and learn social skills. One might say STPM is "Sijil Tinggi Persekolahan Malaysia" not "Sijil Tinggi Persembangan Malaysia", but the fact is, all humans, regardless of academic capability, need some form of social life.

Obviously, people keep knowledge to themselves - and their friends - and for good reason too. Some things are just too sensitive out in the open, and one wants to have a hand in when letting people in on these things. Besides, knowledge is power. But it hurts when the people you treat as friends, don't return the favour. I found out the hard way about friends and acquaintances. Don't ask how, the other party was thoughtful enough to keep it discreet, but from that day on, I kept a running list of friends, acquaintances and those who I think consider friends but who I hope consider me a friend. I have to say it is more wishful thinking than anything else. Friendship is a two way thing. Maybe I should rephrase that : Relationships are two way things. As such, I have a small group of friends, as few reciprocate, but many, many acquaintances. Trouble is figuring out who considers me their friend, and who their acquaintance.

I always considered my classmates my friends. This was even when my class was big, 40-odd. Even when I join any institution which is starting up, with no previous associations, I still do so. Call it an old habit. Now imagine that after bonding for a year, considering them friends not because you are in the same class, but because you have gotten to know these people and then, find yourself being shut out from a conversation.

Again and again.

And when you do try to listen in, they point fingers and yell "Eavesdropper!".

Or change the topic.

Or use a different dialect.

All on purpose, obviously.

To keep you out of the know.

Because you aren't part of their clique.

Even though you consider them friends.

I get this feeling I'm betrayed every time this happens. When the people you trust to entrust you with information refuse to do so, and instead entrust others with the information you seek it, it hurts. As trust is reciprocal, how then do I know who to trust my secrets with? I know no one who will keep their mouths shut, but I know many who will blab whatever secrets I tell them the second they find out.

Well, I guess "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need."

What I need, I already have. As to what my traitorous, trust-destroying, cliquish, ungrateful "friends" need....well let's just say that they should have seen it coming.

*The writer would like to inform that this applies to all people who either intentionally or unintentionally keep him out of the know. Rest be assured, when your time comes to get...err..cooked, you will be as I like my steak - well done.